Your Are Fighting For The Wrong Thing

We confront the lie that you can control a spouse’s addiction and show how codependency quietly destroys homes. We share how counseling, faith, and firm boundaries turned chaos into clarity and helped us protect our kids and rebuild identity in Christ.

• why trying to fix a spouse fuels codependency
• how the illusion of control harms kids and home
• what a perspective shift in counseling looks like
• practical boundaries that protect safety and sanity
• faith as identity and source of steady peace
• choosing separation or distance to guard children
• taking responsibility without carrying their addiction
• moving from blame to freedom and clarity

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Transcript

Welcome & Episode Focus

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Very few times do you have stable waters, and you know what? If you have kids, they're watching all of this and absorbing all of it up. That's what hurts. That's what hurts. Welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing hope, healing, and support for married individuals whose spouses are battling addiction. Rooted in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and biblical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction within your marriage. Here we'll find encouragement and embrace God's plan for restoration in your life. Let's walk this journey together, one step at a time. Hello and welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity. I'm Steve, your host. Super excited that you are here today.

The Wrong Fight Explained

SPEAKER_00 0:51

This episode is going to be called You Are Fighting for the Wrong Thing. Now, we'll explain that of course, but before we do, that's one of the 10 truths that I wish somebody would have told me when I was married to an addict. And if you haven't already, in the show notes, there is a guide that you can download called The Ten Truths, the Ten Truths Untold. A guide for folks that are married to a spouse who's battling an addiction or unhealthy habit. And you can get that guide and it'll tell you the 10 truths that would really start to set somebody free in this situation. And we're going to go over one of them today. And we're going to go over actually all of them in the upcoming episodes. But today we're going to talk about that. And you are fighting for the wrong thing because most of us in that partner situation, most of us that are entangled with an addict, are fighting for the addict to stop doing what they're doing. That's what we're fighting for. And I'm going to be totally bold and honest here and tell you that you're fighting for the wrong thing. Because you're not going to stop them. And no matter how hard you try, you're not going to convince them. And no matter how long you try at it, they're not going to change.

Codependency Versus Addiction

SPEAKER_00 2:19

I did it for 13 years. I battled an addict for 13 years. And some people could say, well, why are you so stupid to do that? Because I had codependency and I didn't know I had it. That's the main reason. And I didn't have somebody come speaking actual truth into me to tell me the 10 things and to say tell me you're fighting for the wrong thing. Nobody woke me up to that. It wasn't until I got into counseling that it all started to click and come to a turning point. So yeah, you're fighting the wrong thing. And the initial response we have when we're with an addict is that we're going to be the savior because we generally care for this person. We typically have love for this person, and we want to help them through this problem. You're taking something to escape for your trauma. We don't want you to live like that. We really want to help you. And I'm going to stand beside you and help you. That's the initial fight. That's the initial way things start in these toxic relationships with addiction. Over time, it turns into restless nights. It turns into anxiety. It turns into how am I going to plot my next move? How am I going to take medicine? Where am I going to look for a hidden medicine or the hidden bottle or whatever the unhealthy thing is? Where am I going to turn to next to find it so I can prove I'm right? So once again I can have victory and then be to savior to tell them to fix it. So the motivations start as love and compassion. And then it turns into a drive and wanting to win. And as I like to explain it, for 13 years, her addiction battled my codependency. And they always tried to one up each other to win. They always were fighting with each other. It wasn't my ex-wife and me. It was the codependency and the addiction. You're not going to take medicine. Oh, yes, I am. I'm going to take away this. It doesn't matter. I'll find a way. Oh, you found a way. Well, then I'm going to do this. And it's just a plot, and you're just sneaking around, just one upping each

The Illusion Of Control

SPEAKER_00 4:45

other your entire marriage, arguments all the time. Very few times do you have stable waters? And you know what? If you have kids, they're watching all of this and absorbing all of it up. That's what hurts. That's what hurts. So you have this illusion of control. You're really trying to save somebody. And it does become an illusion because you are going to stop the addiction. You are going to stop that person from taking, in my case, it was taking narcotics, pain medication. You're going to stop taking those pills. You're going to stop. And that is the illusion of the control. I'm going to control you to stop doing the behavior. I'm going to control you to stop doing the action. And it's an illusion because, like I said, at first, it comes out of love and care and passion. But it turns into this illusion that you're still doing the right thing, but you're out of control. And the illusion is the control. And the destructive behavior that comes from that, what started out as a passion, oh, hey, I care for you, turns into, you know, why are you taking medicine? You're a piece of crap. And you just start in with these fights, and the illusion of trying to fix the situation creates all these destructive, unhealthy habits that you start doing. You start belittling your kids. You start belittling your spouse because they're now they're lower than you because they won't stop taking the stuff, and they're no different than a heroin addict on the street. And man, you just start cutting in with a knife, and your kids don't understand what's going on, and their room's not clean. So all that frustration and all that anger that you have towards your wife's addiction or your spouse's addiction comes out on your kids because the room's not clean and you unload on them. That is the illusion of control. But in reality, you are completely out of control just as much as the addict. You're fighting for the wrong thing. And you have to get to a point and realize that. You may not be, but now you are just a complete mess because you're partnered with an addict, and the addiction of the addict is now in control of your life and in control of your whole family. You can't let the addict dictate the future of your family. And that's what most people do. And I've seen people just tolerate it and just live with it. And that is not freedom, and that is not peace, and that is not comfort, that's not anything that God designed us to be. No way is that. You have to shift in perspective. And I don't know where that comes from. I don't know if it comes from maybe the download that you can download. I don't know if it comes from hearing a podcast like this. I don't know if the spirit can move you listening to this and just grab onto something and be like, oh my gosh, and the light goes off. But you have to shift your perspective. Mine was going to a Christian counselor. Mine was going to a Christian counselor because I thought a good friend of me, a good friend of mine, sent me over there. And I thought that the counselor was going to be on my side to tell my ex-wife that she was wrong, that she

Impact On Kids And Home

SPEAKER_00 8:30

was the problem, that she was the one that is going to have to stop because she's destroying everything. That's what I went to the counselor for. Wow, how self-centered and out of illusion is that? And when he told me I had codependency and started to map that out for me, that's what started to be the shift in perspective. When I realized that I was destroying my kids just as much as she was, except for I wasn't using a drug, I was using my emotions of codependency. That floored me. How could I have been so blinded? How can I not have seen all of that coming? And once you start peeling back some of the layers of I've got this under control, that I can do this, I'm a man, I can do this, or I'm a stubborn female and I can do this. Once you put all that aside and you start peeling away, you start getting healthy on your own. And you start coming to the point where clarity starts to come in. And I share this story a lot, but it's so important. I remember coming home. She had a wreck with our three-year-old son in a car. She went off the road and hit a tree. And thank God they both were okay. But that was the la I was out of town. That was the last straw. That was it for me. Because I was in healing, I was in the process. I backed off of her and just started focusing on myself. Things were okay, but then I go out of town and it's like she just went on a frenzy taking these pills and then decided to go drive. I don't I I don't know, but that was the last straw. And I remember coming home and I said, I'm not in love with you. I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I don't think I have been for a long time. I think I was just addicted to your addiction. And I said, I'm gonna get through Christmas, and we're I said I'm gonna get through Christmas. I said I'm gonna get through Christmas. I said I'm gonna get through Christmas, we're gonna make everything okay, and then I'm gonna move out, and we're gonna get healthy. And I thought maybe both of us would get healthy and we'd you know do this together, but that wasn't the case. But I just remember going through that and going through with the plan and moving out. And it was hard because while I was getting clarity, I was also heartbroken because I felt shameful that it I separated. I'm embarrassed because of it. I was a pastor in a church at one time before all this, before I walked away. It just a divorce just wasn't a big thing, or separation wasn't a big thing, and you know, or was

Perspective Shift And Counseling

SPEAKER_00 12:20

because I was in a church, separation, I I was just embarrassed by it. But I started to get healthy, and my kids would come over and I'd start trying to repair the damage that I caused there and try to be supportive there, and it just started to grow from that because I shifted my perspective because I got the click I needed to move forward. And I'll share more of my story and testimony about it all in different episodes, but I just wanted to give the clarity that you have to shift your perspective, and then all of a sudden, these chains of events start to happen to where you start to gain true control, and you're not under the illusion of control. I started to gain control of who I was and what I was causing and what I was doing. I wasn't no longer the blame game on the attic. I was like taking control of my own responsibilities of what I caused and what I did. And when you embrace your personal responsibility, you start to find freedom. And that's where transformation comes through. I started to find out my true identity in Christ. I started to find out how God really did love me and how I didn't have the right thought process in the middle of all this codependency of who he really was and how good he really was. And that changed everything. And we get this verse a lot, we hear this verse a lot, that we we're, you know, don't be anxious, come to God with your request and all this stuff. And a lot of people like to throw these, I call them Christianese words and phrases out, these verses. They throw them out because they don't really know how to handle the situation you're in. So some of these verses are thrown out because your brother and sister in Christ just doesn't know how to handle addiction or how to help you out of that situation. And quite honestly, it's kind of scared of it and just walked away. I've never felt isolated more than when I came out and said, look, my wife's an addict, I need help. And I was isolated by everybody because they're just afraid to touch it. They don't know what to do. Oh, I hope things work out. Oh, God can't give you more than you handle. Or this one don't be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day. Offering your faith-filled request before God with overflowing gratitude. That's what they tell you. But they don't go on to tell you so you can understand this. Tell him every detail of your life. Then God's wonderful peace that transcends human understanding will guard your heart and mind through Jesus Christ. They don't read that second part of the verse. That's one of the things that can help transform you. So just go to God and tell him that you need to have the addict stop or you want the addiction to stop and you want to change that person and just go and don't be anxious about it, but just proceed to him. And well, when you do that and not understand the next part of that verse, nothing's gonna really happen because you're not living in faith that way. You're not living in when you do tell him every detail of your life, then his wonderful peace is gonna come through you. It's gonna transcend your human understanding of I don't know how I'm gonna get through this, and he'll guard your heart and mine through the power of Jesus Christ. That's amazing. And it truly is life-changing. And when you start to understand who you really are and all that identity stuff I talk about, you know, it's not just a cliche and the word identity, it's knowing what happened on the cross. That's the most important thing. That these things start to come alive. And once I really understood that and started to feel that, that's when my life started to change.

The Car Crash Turning Point

SPEAKER_00 16:24

That's when I actually went through a transformation. I shifted my mind, yes, but I started believing the truth about who I am. I didn't start believing the lie that I was a lesson, that I was a piece of junk, that I didn't amount to anything. I didn't start believing that lie in my codependency. I started believing the truth and who I was created to be, and that God didn't want me in that pain, and he didn't want me in that position. See, when I was going through this whole mess, and God finally started to get a hold of me, and we started having conversations about it and talking. He said, Yeah, I was like, Well, you didn't want to fix my wife, why? He said, All I wanted to do was fix your heart. He's like, It's about me and you. I'll handle your wife. It's between your wife and I. But I want you fixed, and I want you doing the right thing. And that was life-changing, and that is what starts the process of victory, and the process to victory, and the process of healing. So moving forward, you get a freedom and you get a sense of who you are, and you start, like I said, to get clarity, and you start to realize you're fighting for the wrong thing. You start fighting for all these things that are the wrong things. You think you're fighting for your kids, you think you're fighting for your yourself, as in how you look to other people, or how you look at church, or how you look to your parents, or your brothers and sisters, or friends. You're fighting to look like you're in control there. You're fighting for the addict to stop. You're fighting because you really care about this person and you love this person, and you're just focused on the wrong thing. When you're with an addict, partnered, married, living day in and day out with an addict, you have to fight for the right thing, and that's for you to be healthy. That's for you to be in true control. And true control is not being able to manipulate or control the addict. True control is for you to be able to identify your emotions and feelings and how you need to get healthy and how you need to be secure enough to save your kids. And if you're with your spouse or not, or if you separate or you divorce, that's up to you. And we can walk through that and I can help you with that. But it's the most important thing is that you just need to get clarity on fighting for the right thing. And first of all, it's you. And then second of all, it's your family, your kids. You know, unfortunately, fighting for your marriage and the addict is at the bottom of the list because you can't go down with the ship. The ship's starting to sink, you're just gonna stay there until you know the the guy gets up to fix the hole in the boat, and you're waiting for him to get the hole in the boat, and you keep telling him how to get the hole in the boat, and you keep helping them stop playing around and fix the hole in the boat, and you keep trying to control him to fix the boat, and he just won't fix the boat, but you're gonna stay there forever because you're like, eventually, I have hope I'm gonna fix the boat, and he's gonna fix the boat, and I have hope that he's gonna just get better and fix the boat, and I have hope that the hole is not gonna be there any longer, and I have the hope that you it just goes on for 13 years. And you sink with the ship. So don't fight for the wrong thing. We have to fight for the right thing. So, in closing today, the key takeaway is you're fighting for the wrong thing. But seriously, it is a key takeaway. Think of your children if you have children.

Separation, Shame, And Clarity

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Nothing hurts worse than ten years later seeing your the effects that your kids have from what you were fighting for the wrong thing. It affects them. And it will change them and not for the good. So think about that. If you're in a situation and this is resonating with you big time, and this is hitting a chord, visit Walk Right Ministries. Go into the show notes and click the free download. Find that download, read it, digest it, let it sit with you. Maybe check out the community. It'll also be in the show notes, but you can find victory through this. It's not an easy road. I went through twelve years of this. And I'm here to tell you that although it's not an easy road, and there's a lot of nights that there's crying, and there's a lot of nights that you're doing the wrong thing, and you're trying to not let fear take control of you, but it does, and anxiety and all that, I'm trying to let you know there is victory through it all. God is so good, and I don't just say that as a cliche. He is so good, he's transformed. Transformed me. I live in victory. I don't base my life off of circumstances anymore. I just love, love, love him because of what he's done for me. And who he showed me I truly am. So believe in that today. Fight for the right thing. Thank you for listening. And remember, you're loved. You're holy. I'm going to see you in the next episode. Bye-bye.