You Are Not Responsible

We confront the lie that an addict’s choices are our responsibility and name how codependency tricks us into chasing proof, control, and constant conflict. We walk through practical boundaries, self-compassion, and a biblical lens for guarding our hearts so we can heal and reclaim our identity. 
• why “fishing for pain” keeps us stuck in the cycle 
• how codependency turns care into control 
• addiction, trauma, and the disease framework 
• boundary setting as trigger protection and disengagement 
• why searching for the stash never brings peace 
• choosing self-compassion to regain clarity 
• Proverbs wisdom on guarding the heart 

You can download two free guides that I’ve written: 10 Truths Untold @ https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/download and Navigating Love: Codependency Evaluation @ https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/guide

You can check out Walk Right Community for free  @ https://app.walkrightcommunity.com/login

www.walkrightministries.com. 

Transcript

Why We Chase Pain

SPEAKER_00 0:00

One day the counsellor said, Why do you fish for pain? And I was like, Wow. That's a pretty bold statement. And he's like, You know she's taking medicine, right? Yep. You know she's gonna be like that every day, right? Yep. You know that she's always gonna have a supply somewhere. Yep, right? Then what good is it for you to go find it? What what validation do you need by going to find the stash? So your codependency can go, huh? See, I was right, I told you. Here's the pills, you're a liar, here they are, and you throw them out. Well, she's just gonna go get more. He's like, why do you fish for that pain? Welcome

Hope For Spouses Of Addicts

SPEAKER_00 0:43

to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing hope, healing, and support for married individuals whose spouses are battling addiction. Rooted in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and biblical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction within your marriage. Here we'll find encouragement and embrace God's plan for restoration in your life. Let's walk this journey together, one step at a time. Hello, and welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity. I am Steve, your host. Super, super excited you're here today. Hey, this is episode number three. Hope you're enjoying the episodes here on your recovery efforts while entangled with somebody struggling with addiction or an unhealthy habit.

Free Guides And Community Invite

SPEAKER_00 1:30

And this is going to be the second episode we're talking about the 10 untold truths that I wish somebody would have told me when I was entangled with an addict myself for 13 years of my marriage to my ex-wife. You're not responsible for their choices. When you're in the middle, you know, when you just say that, it's easy to go, yep, you're right. I'm not responsible for their choices. But when you're stuck in the middle of an entanglement of an addict for years or just any prolonged period of time, it just becomes such a chaotic, toxic relationship. Something like that just doesn't pop into your mind and go, oh, I'm not responsible for their actions. Deep down you may know that, but you just don't feel it. So we're gonna talk about that. It's a perfect time to mention it. That in the show notes, you can download two free guides that I've written. One is understanding codependency. It's called navigating love. Uh entangled with somebody in an addiction. You can download that, and there's a self-awareness test in there to see if you've got codependency traits. Again, most people that are entangled with somebody with addiction develop codependency or already have it. It's important to understand all that and how the that dynamic works in your relationship. And then I have another guide, which is what we're talking about on these episodes: the 10 untold truths that I wish somebody would have told me when I was entangled in a relationship with an addict, because for 13 years I did this, and unfortunately, I destroyed my kids, I destroyed myself, I destroyed my family, I just prolonged everything. And if somebody would have came in there in day number four, maybe life would have been a whole lot different, and there would have been less hurt in my family. That guide is also available for a free download. And I also want to extend the opportunity for you to join our community. I've created a community for those people that are married to somebody with an unhealthy habit or an addiction. Uh, and it's not for married people, it's for anybody entangled in any kind of relationship with somebody that's an addict. And it's a place of healing, it's a place of hope, it's a place of transformation, it is faith-based, but I tell you what, it's the things that I walk through uh for seven years to get healthy. And it isn't a quick get fixed type program, it's an actual in-depth uh level-by-level program that you can walk through. And it's just, I wish somebody would have done this way sooner for me. So that community is available for you. If you would, again, it's in the show notes. You can check it out for free. And uh, we just invite you to a safe place of healing and transformation. But on with the show, you are not responsible for the choices.

You Are Not Responsible

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Man, the weight of the responsibility of somebody's addiction when you have codependency, the weight of that on you is just crazy. I want to dive into the crucial truth that it's hard to grasp while you're in it, like I said, but it's a truth that we need to know when we're in this relationship. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of responsibility when I went through my relationship with an addict. At first, you have that sincere heartfelt willing to want to help stop what they're doing. And I think that's generally with everybody. You just want them to stop doing it. But it turns when codependency clicks in, or you start to get these thoughts and these feelings. It really I quite honestly, the devil comes in there and just messes everything up. I'll just be quite honest with you. Because it went from I'm gonna save her because I generally care to I'm gonna fix her, to I'm definitely gonna fix this. And all the feelings in between of, wait a minute, she's taking medicine to escape me. She doesn't like me, so she's taking medicine. To I'm gonna be the hero, so she really likes me, so we're gonna stop this. To I'm just so in control of stopping this that it just runs my life. So, I mean, there's just a whole gamut of feelings, emotions, everything that goes into that. And you're not thinking that you're not responsible for the choices, you're not thinking it at all. It's not even on your radar.

Trauma And Addiction As Disease

SPEAKER_00 6:05

We're gonna unpack that this episode, and we have to understand, first of all, why we jump into this that most people have addictions because of their trauma. Somewhere, some way along the line of their life, they had trauma somewhere that produced the feeling of they're less than, they're not good enough, they need to escape something. Somewhere along the line that's happened. Now, it could be direct result from a trauma, or it could be because their parents were addicts, and I truly believe that addiction can be a disease or is a disease. And if you have trauma on top of that, that just impacts it even worse. Not just battling trauma, you're fighting a disease. Addiction is a disease, and it could be just like a heart disease, it could be like diabetes. An individual struggling with addiction fights with this impulse of powerful cravings and triggers that they have that they want to escape something or they just want to feel numb. You know, we can make it our responsibility to steer our partner or loved one away from all these triggers and try to keep them away. And I mean, how crazy does that sound? I mean, you you might as well just put up the nerf wall padding to try to keep them safe. It's just that that's just gonna consume you. It's just gonna overtake you. I want to say more importantly, you under you

Codependency Takes The Wheel

SPEAKER_00 7:40

have to understand that you have codependency. Most likely in this situation, you are codependency. So we discuss codependency a lot here, obviously, because like I said, most addicts or somebody with unhealthy habits tend to have codependency. Not ever all of them, most of them do. The people that are married to them or partnered with them, most likely, if they've stayed, have codependency, or they went into the relationship with codependency and didn't even have know it. So I that was me. I went into my relationship. I didn't know I had codependency. I didn't know I had codependency until almost 11 years into this addiction to when I finally went to somebody who slapped me in the face and said, Hey, you have codependency. So that's crazy. So that's why we're trying to help identify all that for you and helped do the self-awareness to see if you have that, because once you kind of understand that, because that's basically what's controlling you, is that codependency. So it creeps into these relationships with addicts. Mine, like I said, I I had it, but I didn't know it, but it just blew up when um I started battling with addiction, with somebody with addiction. It just went crazy because I started to feel responsible. I started to feel that it was my fault. I started to feel all these like different ways, like I said at the beginning, felt all these different ways of trying to control this behavior and stop this behavior. You know, there's emotions you go through. There's, you know, I support you, I stand beside you, I want you to stop this. I'm here for you to, you know, if you don't stop this, I'm I'm just gonna go completely insane. I mean, it's just a just a toxic bowl full of emotions from both sides of the parties. Because you both go up and down, you both, you know, one, you're both agreeing that, okay, we're gonna get help, we're gonna fix this, to you're fighting each other to where I'm you're gonna stop this, I'm not doing this, this is not, I'm not, you're liar, I'm not taking medicine, I'm not doing this, I'm not drinking, I'm not, you know. It's just this thing just goes back and forth multiple times if you let it. Understand codependency, it's very important to understand that.

Boundaries As Trigger Protection

SPEAKER_00 10:10

And then a lot of people in the clinical world of recovery talk about setting boundaries, and it is important to set boundaries. And I'd like to say setting boundaries is identifying triggers within yourself and feelings within yourself and setting parameters to those issues. You know, you could set a boundary that says, I'm just not gonna be with you if you take medicine. If you take medicine, that's unhealthy. So, period. That's a pretty big boundary, especially when you're stuck in codependency and you're fighting all the time and you guys are going after each other. That's a pretty big boundary. But if you start getting healthy and you start healing, you could start setting boundaries that says, I'm gonna get myself healthy. That's the boundary I'm gonna follow. I'm not gonna put myself into a position where I fight with this person. That's a healthy boundary. But I like to call them, like I said, triggers. I like to call them triggers because I think the devil just wants to keep you in the midst of that hell. So he's just gonna throw these darts left and right, left and right at you. So certain things are just gonna trigger you to respond or go over the the deep edge.

The Pill Stash Story

SPEAKER_00 11:31

My counselor told me one of the best things is, you know, I used to rip up the house looking for medicine. She used to take medicine, um, narcotics, so pain medication. So I'd go ripping up the house looking for these pill bottles or baggies of pills or wherever. I'd go try to find the stash because she'd get more and more creative of where she was gonna hide everything. And I would just rip up the house looking for this stuff. And one day the counselor said, Why do you fish for pain? And I was like, Wow, that's a pretty bold statement. And he's like, You know she's taking medicine, right? Yeah. You know she's gonna be like that every day, right? Yep. You know that she's always gonna have a supply somewhere, yep, right? Then what good is it for you to go find it? What what validation do you need by going to find the stash? So your codependency can go, huh? See, I was right, I told you, here's the pills, you're a liar, here they are, and you throw them out. Well, she's just gonna go get more. He's like, why do you fish for that pain? We have to untangle, and that's why I call it entanglement. We have to untangle from their emotions and the emotional responses that we get from their addiction. Because we're not responsible for their actions. I'm not responsible for her to go get medicine, and I can go find the medicine and take it and dump it all out. But is that being responsible? Because she's just like he said, he's she's just gonna go fill more medicine somewhere, or she's got more stash somewhere else. I mean, you know, it's a pretty crafty game. I've said my codependency was battling her addiction this entire time. And it destroyed our kids, it destroyed everything, no friends, and we were isolated. It was just, you're gonna stop taking medicine. No, I'm not. That's what it was for years. For years, that's the way it was. You could start setting these boundaries everywhere, but I think you have to really understand what the triggers are that want you to jump in to doing those stupid things. You know, what triggered me to go look for the medicine? What triggered me to want to go confront her and fight? And I mean, why did I have to win? And then you walk away and you're frustrated, you're angry, you're yelling at each other, and you're wrecked for more days, and you just never calm down because the next day you look in their eyes and you see they're taking medicine or they're drinking or whatever they're doing, and you just come unglued. It's like, are you we just fought for four hours yesterday, you're gonna do this again? So setting those boundaries are to protect the triggers that come in. I'm gonna wake up knowing that she's gonna be taking medicine. So I don't engage. Why? Why fight? I need to focus on me because I'm not responsible for her choice. You're not responsible for their choices. She's gonna choose to wake up and take medicine. I'm gonna choose to wake up and be healthy and not get drug into that because the addict's just wanting to drag you in. The addict is just wanting to start that fight, and you just have to pull away from that. And those are the boundaries we have to set up. Don't engage with them, don't confront them. That's codependency. You're gonna engage to fix, you're gonna engage to be right, you're gonna involve yourself to be that savior. That's the trait you have of codependency. And there's another trait that you have that you feel less than because you feel that they're taking that medicine to escape you, get away from you, you're the problem, you're the thing. So you wanna engage in them to try to ensure them that you're a good person, so they don't need to take medicine, and then that just turns into another fight. So, I mean, you have to disconnect and you have to, those are the boundaries that I like to call trigger notifications. You know what's gonna trigger you to step beyond your abilities to control. That's the boundary. So you just don't engage and you learn to, you know, when I started go through hearing, it's like I'm gonna get myself help and I'm gonna fix myself. And once I started identifying codependency and the different things that were happening, I was able to go, you know what? I'm strong enough, I'm gonna disengage. And I disengaged. And then I said, you know what, I'm strong enough, I'm gonna go ahead and move out. And I moved out and continued to get healthy, and I didn't have to come home and fight with that every day. And then, you know, the next part was I'm gonna make a safe environment and I'm gonna get my kids, and you know, that's what I did. So it's like you do all these things in steps, protecting yourself with the triggers or boundaries so you don't engage and just go down with the ship. You can't

Self-Compassion Brings Clarity

SPEAKER_00 16:50

go down with the ship. So you have to embrace self-compassion then along the way. So while we're in this whirlwind of emotions and we're living with guilt from the addict, you know, we're guilty that they're taking medicine, we're guilty or shameful because they're taking medicine, or we're just believing these lies that they're gonna get better, and there's hope that they're gonna fix themselves, and we're, you know, we can get them there, we can cross the help them cross the line to get there, and there's another tactic I can use if this doesn't work, and there were so many different tactics, but I never embraced self-compassion. I never understood my own feelings, I never even thought about my own feelings. It was always the addict, it was always what was she doing? There was never self-compassion, there was never I'm gonna fix myself until the very end. There was never I need to take a break from this, there was never I need to go somewhere else and find love. There was never, I mean, there was none of that ever. It was so toxic. And once I started to get help, I started to feel the anger, I started to feel those different emotions that I started to let go because it's very important in your healing process, right? The sadness, the pain, the frustration, all those things you have to start feeling when you start to disconnect. And once you start to feel and have self-compassion for yourself, then you start to gain clarity. I promise you, you start to gain clarity through that. And I don't want it to sound like a shameless plug, but I guess it is. But this community, this online community, is going to be a great place for all of us to connect and stand beside each other, and then we'll be able to have self-compassion because we'll see other people have compassion for us, and they are showing self-compassion for themselves, and you know, you can get to these points by getting a counselor, a Christian counselor, Christian coaching. You can get to those points to where you could start to have self-compassion, self-care, self-help, but nothing is more important than doing it together with somebody. Community is so important. So I would love again to invite you into community. It's down in the show notes, but it is it's very important to stand beside and walk through this with other people. It's so important.

Guard Your Heart Biblically

SPEAKER_00 19:40

So we come to this point in the show where I just want to relate to some things biblically. While it's easy to say you're not responsible for those choices, it is very hard to break apart from that. But in Proverbs, there's a very good, good verse that sheds some wisdom on this. And it's Proverbs five and it's verse twenty-three. And it says, So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life. Above all, so the most important thing that he's trying to speak wisdom into is you have to guard the affections of your heart. It's your thoughts, it's the wills that you're trying to do, it's your discernment. You have to guard all that. Again, you can't entangle, you have to guard your heart, your feelings, what you want because you're just as important as this other person. So don't spend your entire life trying to fix this other person. Fix yourself, guard your heart. Guard it because they affect all that you are. And if you are entangled in this other person, you're not yourself. It's not who you are, it's not who God designed you to be, it's not anything walking in the love and light of Jesus. It is like a leech stuck to the body of a human and you're just along for the ride. That's that's it. That's a great description of what being entangled with an addict is. You're just along for the ride because while you think you're in control, you're not in control. Not at all. Why? Because you can't be responsible for their choices. It goes on to say pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being. From the There flows the wellspring of life. So it's basically repeating itself. And when they repeat themselves in the Bible like that, it's very important. He's saying that you have to guard all the affections of your heart and you have to pay attention to the welfare of your inmost being, of your spirit, of who you are. Because from there flows the wellspring of life. Okay. The wellspring of life, that Hebrew word there is translated into springtime seasons. So if you have a flow of wellspring of life, it means that you're living in a renewed season, a springtime, because everybody loves the spring because things are new and new creation and things are coming back, and it's a happy point, and everybody just loves spring. That is where you can live your entire life in what I like to call peace. You can live there, you can have that wellspring of springtime feeling all year round because you're in control of your emotions, you're guarding your affections of your heart, you're doing the things, the wisdom things that we're talking about in this show. You're creating boundaries, you're protecting yourself from the arrows, the triggers, the devil coming in, you're living in this confident space and being able to walk forward in your identity in Jesus Christ, not tied to anybody else, not tied to any circumstance. Because when you are in a tangled mess with the addict, you're basing your life off of circumstances. And you're only going to be as good as those circumstances are. And if they see you getting help and wanting to be with yourself, it doesn't mean that they're going to grow up and be perfect. But the quicker that you can do that, maybe the better it is that you can save them. You're not responsible for their choices. Not responsible.

Disconnect And Close

SPEAKER_00 25:40

That brings us to the end of the show. I know it's a lot of information jam-packed down in 25 minutes, but I tell you what, it's important, it's vital that you learn these ten truths and that you learn to disconnect and get yourself healthy. And the more you feel responsible for what they're doing, it's your fault. They are doing this because of you, whatever, however, you're spinning it and looking at it, it's a lie. Don't believe that lie. You didn't make anybody do anything, but you're making yourself continue to step in the path that they're walking. Disconnect from it. Remember, you are loved, you're holy, and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. I'm Steve. God bless you. I'll see you soon.