Stop Believing The Lie

The most exhausting part of loving someone with an addiction isn’t just the relapse. It’s the quiet conclusion you start to accept about yourself: I’m not enough, I’m the problem, I should be able to fix this, even God must be done with me. Today we name that for what it is a lie and we talk about how it forms, why it sticks, and how it slowly rewires your identity until your mood, your hope, and your self-worth depend on someone else’s next decision.

I walk through what this looks like inside a marriage touched by substance abuse, porn, or compulsive behaviors, especially when codependency is in the mix. We get honest about the emotional roller coaster of “good days” and “crash days,” the isolation that follows when friends don’t know what to say, and the trap of becoming addicted to fixing the addict. We also talk about spiritual warfare in plain language, including the moment anger at God becomes a doorway for deeper shame and self-condemnation.

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Transcript

hen Hope Turns Into Anger

SPEAKER_01 0:00

And now, your only source of hope, which was through Christ, you're now pissed at him, and you're now angry, and you're now wondering. And guess what? The devil comes in then, too. And he goes, See, God doesn't even think you're worth saving. He doesn't even think that you're good enough to have your partner clean. He doesn't want to help

how Purpose And Who It Serves

SPEAKER_01 0:25

you. Welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing hope, healing, and support for married individuals whose spouses are battling addiction. Rooted in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and biblical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction within your marriage. Here we'll find encouragement and embrace God's plan for restoration in your life. Let's walk this journey together, one step at a time. Thank you for joining

ubscribe And Why It Matters

SPEAKER_01 1:01

us. Hey, just want to take a moment. This thing, I don't know, by the grace of God is starting to take off a little bit. So if you would, would you please like, subscribe, maybe comment here and there on some of these episodes? It really helps me out and helps me get out there further in the searches. So I do appreciate you for listening and I appreciate all those new people that are coming on board. Thank you so very much. My passion is obviously to help those that are married to somebody that is entangled in an addiction. I mean, it's a rough road to go. I lived it for a very long time. And uh now that I'm transformed and healed by the grace of God, I'm here to help you get unstuck as well. Today's episode, we're talking about the ten truths, the ten untold truths that I wish somebody would have told me when I was battling uh my ex-wife in the middle of addiction. And these truths we are on number four today. Truth number four, which is you're believing a lie. You are believing a lie. And in the midst of all that, there it gets really complex. The lies that start to form, the lies that start to creep in, the lies that you really start to believe in the midst of this chaos and this addiction and this hell that you're walking through. So we're going to talk about that today.

ntroducing The Walk Right Community

SPEAKER_01 2:30

But I just want to introduce the community that I have. I created Walk Right Community. It's a community for those people exactly. Um, and it's there to help them walk through what I walk through to get healing and transformation. It's an entire program, it's a membership. There is a free area, so don't panic with that. But there are membership areas where you can deep dive into getting help and restoration and hope and clarity and transformation, all that good stuff. And you can have one-on-one counseling coaching with me. So there's different things in the community. Uh, not only is there course study worksheets, there are live lessons, there are live worksheet uh talks, there's live group coaching, all kinds of things to help you walk through this. The most important thing about it, it's community. There'll be other people you can connect with that are walking through the same exact thing. And maybe their partner has the same exact problem you're having, and maybe your kids are facing the same issue as their kids, and it's all about community. Community is so important. It's not the Steve show, it is Steve facilitating a place where God can work on people and help them through this. So I invite you over there. It's in the show notes, and uh again, it's walk by community, and it's a place for you and me, for those that are married, following Christ, partnered with an addict that's you know battling an addiction. And uh you don't have to be a follower of Christ, but I was, I was a pastor in a church, hiding this addiction, and I just know the hell and the questions. God, where are you? Why you abandoned me? Why just just all of the things that go through your mind. I walk through all of it. So anyway, check that community out. There is a free section, and if you want to move on forward, you have a chance and opportunity to do so. But now on with our program, you're believing a lie.

ruth Four You Believe A Lie

SPEAKER_01 4:39

You're believing a lie today. Where you're at in this relationship with an addict, you're believing a lie. And actually, it's a lot of lies you're believing, but the number one most important lie you're believing is you're a piece of crap and you're not worthy enough, and your value um sucks. Those all the same lie, basically, but that's what you're believing, and that's not where your mind needs to go. Your mind needs to go beyond that and find truth because what the truth sets you free.

ow Lies Grow Through Isolation

SPEAKER_01 5:13

So, in the midst of my entanglement with my ex-wife who was addicted to pain medications, narcotics, there were so many lies that I believed. And the first one that kind of crept in was I wasn't good enough to save her. She wouldn't stop taking the medicine. I pleaded with her, I fought with her, I threatened her, I did pretty much everything you could do, and she just wouldn't stop. I started to believe the lie that I wasn't good enough to stop this. You try to reach for outside help or go to friends and family and people, and they don't know how to handle this stuff. You're just reaching out for help and they don't know how to handle it, and you go to them, hey, you know, my wife's an addict and I need help, and what can we do? And it's like, oh, we'll be praying for you, and we we pray and hope that things will get better. That's what everybody said. And I don't take offense to that. I understand that they just don't understand it, and a lot of people are afraid to step in, and it's just a mess. So you start to isolate yourself, you start to become alone. That's where the devil really wants to get you. He really wants to get you to that point because then that lies there. Hey, you're not good enough, you're not gonna be able to stop this because you suck. And you try to get through that, and then he throws another lie at you. Man, she's taking medicine to escape you. She's taking medicine to get away from you, or they're drinking to get away from you, they don't like you, you're not that worthy. Man, they're watching porn because you can't provide what they need. Wow, those lies kill, they just kill, but they creep in, and we believe them, and we start to believe them, and then we start to live like that, and we start to live through that, and that is crazy. But folks, I'm gonna be 100% honest right here. That is spiritual warfare, and we're gonna cover it a little bit later in the show, but that right there is spiritual warfare. That isn't just you having a bad mind and you are really unworthy. It's you're believing a lie because somebody's telling you that, somebody's whispering that. Where did that come from? Where would you get that thought from? Because it ain't from God. I'll tell you that right now. It's not from God.

odependency And The Fixing Trap

SPEAKER_01 7:37

And before we step into that, if you haven't already, I have a great download. It's gonna be in the show notes that's called Navigating Love. It's all about codependency and being entangled in this relationship, and you can download it and you can find an evaluation in there to see if you have codependency. Because if you have codependency, you most likely are believing this lie. And if you have codependency, it's probably from your childhood, it's probably from some trauma you had as a child or something your parents did. We have plenty of resources that talk about that. But if you have this codependency, then that really is gonna manifest all these lies. It's gonna just grow them. It's like a petri dish. It's just gonna grow and grow and grow these lies. We get these lies in, we start believing these lies, and then we're still trying to fix the addict. Most people don't give up, they just believe the lie, but they don't give up because they believe that they can get through it, and they can believe that they can prove their worth. So they try creative and different ways to stop the addiction, and they try new creative ways to get help, and they it's you're just always focused on the addict. You're always focused on the addiction. You're never focusing on yourself and what you need.

he Emotional Roller Coaster Pattern

SPEAKER_01 9:01

These lies create an emotional roller coaster. They leave your mood and self-esteem tied to the addict, tied to your partner's choices, tied to what they're doing. And what I mean is if they get up that day and they don't take medicine, or they really do try, oh my gosh, it's like heaven. You both are just you're just in a great mood, and you can breathe for a little bit, and you don't have to think of that, and you're like, maybe this is it. This is the day, this is the one that works. And then the next day they're back on medicine. You're crushed, you're destroyed, you're pissed off, you're angry. You've got all these emotions always swirling around, and it's based on their actions. It's not based on your own getting healthy, it's not based on your own what do I need. It's not based on what your emotional need is. You're tied to the addict, you're tied to the addiction. So you're only as good as they are the following day or the next day, and the day after that. And if they're taking medicine every single day, and you come to a day where there's a clean day, or even two days there's a clean day, you kind of forget about that lie, and you have hope. Because hope's all we can live on when we're entangled with an addict. Hope is all we have. But then the third day they go right back to it. And man, these lies come back in, and now you're yep, I'm gonna believe them. I'm gonna believe them. And unfortunately, we go through the cycle. For years we'll go through this cycle if we don't watch it. I did. But number one, I didn't know I had codependency. Number two, I'm just a guy and I thought I can fix everything, and that's what I was gonna do. I didn't realize I was tied and addicted to the addict. So basically, my addiction was her addiction. I was addicted to fixing the addiction. Crazy, I know, but that's the way it works, folks.

piritual Warfare And The God Lie

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Because we believe these lies. We believe we can fix it, we believe we're not worthy, we believe we suck, we believe they're taking it because of us, we believe that we can try harder, we believe all these lies. All these lies. And if you are a follower of Christ and you go to church and you're praying for this individual, and you're asking God every single day, every hour of the day, please fix this, take this away, do this. What am I doing wrong? Help me, give me the strength, give me through this, give me that, give me this. It just chips away at you emotionally, it just chips away at you day after day after day after day, and you are just a complete wreck. And now, your only source of hope, which was through Christ, you're now pissed at him, and you're now angry, and you're now wondering. And guess what? The devil comes in then too, and he goes, See, God doesn't even think you're worth saving. He doesn't even think that you're good enough to have your partner clean.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

He doesn't want to help you.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

I mean, tell me I'm wrong. Comment on the show, tell me I'm wrong. This is what we walk in when we're entangled with an addict, especially if we have codependency, and especially if we're a follower of Christ. So let's debunk the lie.

ebunking With Galatians 2:20

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Let's go to the word and find truth, because the truth again will set you free. So let's find truth in this today. And I'm gonna go to Galatians, and I'm gonna be in Galatians 2, and it's going to be verse 20 where I start. And here's what it says my old identity has been co-crucified with Christ and no longer lives. And now the essence of this new life is no longer mine, for the anointing one, Jesus Christ, lives his life through me. We live in union as one. Please take a moment to let that resonate. So my old identity. My old identity, what is my old identity? Well, when Adam and Eve were in the garden and they messed up, right? What happened? What happened in the garden? We call it sin. Adam and Eve sinned. But what is it? Adam and Eve missed the mark. Adam and Eve missed the mark of who they really were. And the first emotion that came through? Shame. Because they thought they were naked. They covered themselves. What was the second thing? Self-centeredness. They started to blame game. If you didn't give me that woman, she's like, if you didn't give me the snake. They lost their identity. They were trying to become, they took the fruit because they were trying to become something they already were. They were created in an image of Jesus Christ. They didn't realize that. They were trying to become that, ate the fruit, and now this is what we're born into. So we're born into what Adam did, right? And we can believe that or we don't believe that. But let me connect this here. So my old identity, the one it is in Adam because of what he's done, has been co-crucified with Christ and no longer lives. So when Jesus died upon the cross and shed his blood, he reconciled us back to our original identity. God was reconciling the world back to himself. We

hifting Identity From Adam To Christ

SPEAKER_01 14:57

were created in image God before the foundations of the world. In fact, we were made before heaven and earth. We were made. And we were made in the image of Jesus Christ. Adam and Eve messed that up, so we all fell through that. And then Jesus came, died upon the cross, world was reconciled back to himself, back to God. What's that mean? That means we were co-crucified with him. The old Adam was co-crucified with Jesus on that day. And now he no longer lives. So Adam's gone. So why do we continue to believe that lie? Why do we continue to live in that lie that we're not good enough, that we're self-centered when we should be living in we're light and love, and we need to partake in the kingdom. And no longer, or I'm sorry, and now the essence of this new life is no longer mine. So this new life that Jesus died for is no longer mine, it's his. For Jesus Christ lives his life now through me, and we live in an union as one. Wow. So my new life is empowered by the faith of the Son of God who loves me so much that he gave himself for me, dispensing his life into mine. Folks, that's powerful. And I would have never ever preached that in a pulpit. I would have preached, You're a sinner. Do you know where you're going tonight when you die? Because if not, God's gonna smack a you on the rear. And that's what we've been taught. That's what we've taught and grown up learning. We didn't grow up learning that Jesus died upon the cross and now dispenses his life and me, and we're living in a union, and they're entangled in every day of our life, wanting us to be love and light and spread kingdom, which is here now, which is the first thing out of Jesus' mouth. That's what you have to understand. That's how worthy you are. That's how much value you have. You are loved so much he did that for us, even yet while we were pieces of dung because of what Adam did. He sacrificed himself, he gave himself up. He laid down his life for us to have this union back together. And if you are familiar with the Bible, then you'll know that Paul goes on and talks about you can live in the old Adam or you can live in this new life. And Jesus even talks about you can have one foot in the world, which is one foot in the flesh, or you can have one foot in the spirit world, you know, you can live this new life and believe in what I've done for you. The point of all this is to show you that you are worth something. So you you're believing a lie because you're allowing the devil, you're allowing your trauma, you're allowing your old Adam self to run your mind. And you can't do that. You just can't do that. You have to disengage from that. And it took me a while to disengage

urning Worth Into Boundaries And Care

SPEAKER_01 18:16

from that. Remember, I said I walked away from the church, I walked away from the pulpit, I walked away from all my people, and I walked away from God. I didn't believe any of it. It wasn't until I had a great Christian counselor that said, You need to find your identity in Jesus Christ. What are you talking about? I was a pastor, I taught this stuff, I whatever. He's like, No, you are acted like an adopted son, and you haven't figured out your full inheritance of what you've really inherited in the kingdom. You have to stop believing that lie. You have to stop believing that you are not worthy. You have to stop believing that they're taking the medicine because of you. You have to stop believing that God's angry at you or putting you through this. You have to stop believing those lies because number one, God's with you. We just read in the Bible that Jesus is living in union with you. So in the midst of your hell right now and your suffering, he is walking with you. But are you turning to him? Or are you turning to him in anguish because you're believing the lie more than you're believing how he'll set you free? Because that's very important. And number two, you have to understand that the more you believe in the lie, the more you're gonna tend to believe or go that way with your plans and your actions and your responses. And once I shifted my focus into who I really was, and it was like a duh moment, it was like, oh, duh, wow. He really does love me, and he really wants me out of this. I can do this. And you start shifting that mind, and it doesn't, again, it doesn't happen overnight, but you start shifting that mind from wow, I am really worthy, I'm better than this. You know what? I'm not better than the addict, but I deserve better than I'm being treated. My kids deserve better than what we're doing because I'm destroying my kids just as much as the addict is. And once you can shift that focus and start believing that and start walking in that, it's amazing at the transformation that will happen. I promise you that. I promise you that. That's what happens. Because you're no longer believing a lie, you're no longer believing that you're less than, you're no longer believing that you can't fix it because you know what? You now understand that it's not your responsibility to fix it. If you go back and listen to a couple of episodes, we talk about that. It's not your fault, it's not your responsibility. You are you, and you need to take care of you, and you need to take

ractical Steps To Rewrite The Lie

SPEAKER_01 21:12

care of your kids, and you can't do that when you're believing a lie. You just can't do it when you're believing that lie. So I hope you understood the truth of who you are in Christ just a little bit today. Some of you that may be way out of base for you, and I totally get it and understand it, and you can reach out to me and we can discuss it further. But read your Bible, get in there. Because I was the pastor and I didn't preach that. And you're not a piece of junk, and you're not unworthy, and Jesus didn't have to die because God was so mad at you that he needs to sneak you in the back door. That's that's not the gospel. Folks, you are loved and you are righteous and you were blameless. God looks at you now with a clean slate. We're the ones that condemn ourselves. We're the judge that judges ourselves. It's all biblical. So please don't believe that lie. Steve, how do I start to get out of this lie? You have to engage in self-reflection. Identify your personal strength and your value. Identify that. And start believing that. Start believing who you are, not who you are in the addict. Because you're putting all your worth, all your value into the addict. You need to put your value and worth into you. What do you want? What do you need? Where do you need to go? What do you need to do? And all that is based off of you and your value, not the addict and the addiction. You have to invest time in this relationship. You have to invest time into knowing who God is so he can work on you and show you how much he loves you. That was a hard part for me. If you do not open the darkest doors that you have in your soul that are hiding your most troubled areas, he's not going to let you, he's not going to come in. That's what's so great about him. He loves you so much, he's not going to kick down the doors. He's going to allow you to live. And if you want to live in that freedom, he's there. He's ready. He wants to transform you. But you have to open those doors and you have to surrender that so he can come in. But that takes having a relationship. It's not rules and regulations and read the Bible for 45 minutes and do this and roll over and pat your head and you know, rub your tummy and then wiggle your toes. It's, Father, I want to believe this. I don't want to believe the lie anymore. Show me. Talk to me. Reach out to me today. Let me know that you're there. Somehow let me know that you're there. And then we'll go from there. And maybe you'll get a beautiful sunrise. Maybe you'll get a beautiful sunset. Maybe you'll see a bird land on your windowsill that doesn't normally come around. Maybe you'll know. You'll know when you know. I promise you that. You'll know when you know. And then it sheds a little bit of the skin. And God, thank you for that. And I want to go a little bit deeper. And then you go deeper and it sheds more. And it goes deeper and it sheds more. And the next thing you know, seven years later, you're transformed and nothing bothers you. You don't base your life off of circumstances. You can just walk in love and light and live in forgivenness and live in freedom. And lastly, seeking community support and encouragement and accountability.

ommunity Support And Daily Reminders

SPEAKER_01 25:07

This is a big one. And this isn't just for you to join my community. I don't want it to sound like a cheesy sales pitch. If you don't want to join our community, our free area, great, that's fine. But find a group to get with. Somebody at church, a different church, not maybe the church you go to, somebody who will understand what you're going through. There are support groups out there. There are very little, but there are support groups out there that help. But you need to get in community because you need to get encouragement from other people like myself that have walked through this and can guide you into truth and can guide you even if you don't want anything spiritual to do with it, just to help you gain clarity and get out of this. But I'll tell you what, it's God doing it. It's God doing it whether you want to believe it or not. But you have to seek support from a community and other people. So I encourage you today, stop believing the lie. Get out a piece of paper, write down the lies on one side, and across from that, write down the truth. And start saying to yourself, I'm gonna believe this. I'm gonna believe that. I'm gonna believe this. And I'll take it one step further. Get a post-it note. Go get a packet of post-its. Get a post-it note. And just put it in your car. I am worth so much more than the addiction. My kids are worth more than the lie I'm believing. You start putting notes like that around, you're gonna start changing your mind. I promise you that too. I've given you a lot of promises this show, so God, you better step in and save me. But seriously, you are worthy. You are holy, and you are loved. I said at the end of each program, but you are.

losing Invitation To Reach Out

SPEAKER_01 27:09

Thank you for listening to this episode. And I hope that it resonates with somebody out there. And if it did, would you please comment? If you're too scared to comment, would you please reach out to me? You can go to the website, which is also in the show notes, and just shoot me an email. But I'm here for you because my passion is I don't want to see people stuck in this. The hardest thing for me living today is to see my two older boys stuck because of partly what I've done being partnered with an addict because I thought I can fix it, and I believed a lie that I would never get out of it, and I believed the lie that I was a piece of crap. So I'm hopeful that I can save somebody from that. I will see you in the next episode. God bless you.