Codependency And Your Identity In Christ

Nobody walks into a counselor’s office expecting to hear, “You’re part of the problem.” I didn’t either. I thought we were going to talk about my wife’s addiction and I’d finally get someone to take my side. Instead, I got a word I never wanted attached to me: codependency. That moment started a painful but freeing journey of seeing how my “love” had become tangled with fear, control, and survival.

We unpack what codependency actually is and why it carries so much stigma, especially for Christian spouses trying to honor God while living inside the chaos of addiction. I share the three most common markers I see again and again: your emotional state rises and falls with their behavior, you lose touch with your own needs and emotions, and you quietly believe you’re responsible for the addict and their outcomes. We also talk about the real-world impact on families, why spouses often carry the heaviest psychological burden, and how church culture can unintentionally make codependency worse by focusing on the addict while overlooking the partner who is drowning.

Then we shift to hope and next steps: identity in Christ, not identity as a caretaker. Using Ephesians 5:8, we look at what it means to live as “children flooded with light” and how that breaks the cycle of rule-keeping, striving, and fixing. I leave you with three questions to sit with this week that can expose where you’re stuck and where freedom can begin. If you want practical help, grab the Navigating Love codependency evaluation and check out the free community course linked in the show notes. If this helped you, subscribe, share the episode with someone who feels trapped, and leave a review so more spouses can find support.

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Transcript

The Day Therapy Flipped The Script

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Nobody told me I was codependent. I had to find out the hard way. There I was sitting in a counselor's office thinking I was there to talk about my wife's addiction. Thinking he was gonna get on my side. Then fifteen minutes of sitting there. He said, You're part of the problem. You have codependency. You're a codependent. And you're destroying your family just as much as she is. Huh. I almost left. Has anybody ever suggested you might have codependency? What'd that make you feel like? What did you think when you first heard that? If you ever have. And have you even wondered if you haven't? Welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing hope, healing, and support for married individuals whose spouses are battling addiction. Rooted in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and biblical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction within your marriage. Here we'll find encouragement and embrace God's plan for restoration in your life. Let's walk this journey together, one step at a time.

Truth Seven And Free Downloads

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Welcome to this episode of Reclaiming Your Identity. I'm Steve, your host, and I am super excited that you're here today. I hope you're having a wonderful week. And I hope that you are finding healing, hope, and transformation. Hey, we're in a series of the 10 truths untold, the 10 things I wish somebody would have told me when I was married to my ex-addict. So we're on number seven. If you haven't listened to prior episodes, go back. Check out the the other untold truths or truths untold that you may have missed because they're really important, to be honest with you. And I'll just say that to promote my own show, but these are really the most important things. I wish somebody would have rattled my cage so I didn't stay stuck for as long as I did in my relationship. But anyway, we are on number seven today. This is a hard one. Not that they're all easy, but this in the next shows a little bit harder, goes a little bit deeper. But today we talk about the truth of you probably have codependency. That's not a word that we want to hear, but we need to explain a lot about it. So we'll jump into that. But before we do, hey, there is a download. If you're not listening to the episodes or you want to just get this in your hands, there is a download that I have, the Ten Truths Untold. These things that we're talking about are on paper in a guide that I've created and it's free for you. And just go to the show notes and you can find a link to download that. And it's great information. Now, there's also another one that I have for you, which goes with this episode, Navigating Love. It is about codependency, and it has an evaluation in there that you can take. And while I'm talking about evaluation in the community, in the very first level that you join the free area, there is a course that talks about codependency, and there's also a test there as well. So we'll talk about those things, but everything's in the show notes. We'll talk about it a little bit later. But let's get on with our show.

What Codependency Really Means

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And you probably have codependency. So what do you feel when you hear the word codependency? Or if somebody said you're codependent, how does that make you feel? Because the word has a stigma. And unfortunately, this word has a stigma of an accusation. You're being accused of something, you've flawed, you've got a problem, there's an issue. And that is not how we want you to feel. It isn't a bad word. And codependency is just a description of something you have. And the easiest definition of codependency that I can give you is this codependency is what happens when love gets entangled with fear, control, and survival. That's the easiest definition I can give you. When you're putting all your value into another human being, that is codependency. When you're disregarding all of your emotional needs, your thoughts, what you want, and just putting the other person first, especially an addict, you have codependency. Codependency doesn't develop because you're weak, it develops because you love so much and you're terrified of what happens if you quit managing these things. Codependency is a learned response. It's something that we learned in our childhood, or a trauma, or from an addiction ourselves. It is not something that we just get. It's a learned behavior. And if you're a follower of Christ, it has nothing to do with being a bad Christian. It has nothing to do that you're flawed. We can't think that. In fact, Christians get messed up by this. I did completely, because it's a misunderstanding of what love and sacrifice actually is. And here are the three things about codependency that you need to know. The core things that you can just identify today. Your emotional state is determined by somebody else's behavior. You put all your value or worth into them. Number two, you've lost the ability to identify your own needs and wants and emotions. They're gone. You're putting everything into this person and you're worried about their emotions and their needs and what's going on with them. Yours are gone. They're by the wayside. And number three, you believe consciously or not, you're responsible for the addict. You're responsible for their actions. And in a previous show, we talked about that. You're not responsible for their actions. You're not responsible for them and what they do. Although in codependency, we feel that way. So if you can identify with those three things right now, you probably have codependency, and it's probably a good thing to go ahead and try to take that evaluation or course because you can find out a whole lot more about yourself, what kind of codependency you have, what kind of traits that you have, and you can really start to get some clarity on that. And that's a

Three Signs You Are Codependent

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great starting point for you because you can identify that and start working with which part of codependency you have. And then you can start identifying it in your relationship. And you can start to work on what boundaries you're going to put up to not cross those lines. And that's super, super quick things and fixes you can start. Just identifying this is so huge. But let's talk about the statistics for a little bit. That's a hard word. Statistics. Let's talk about that for a little bit. So approximately 20 million Americans are currently living with a substance use disorder, an unhealthy habit, an addict, whatever you want to call it. And it could range from alcohol, drugs, pornography, all kinds of unhealthy habits that we have that are controlling relationships. And for every one person battling addiction, there's at least four to five family members, four to five family members that are affected by this. So that means there's over a hundred million Americans affected by substance abuse from another person. Folks, that's huge. And that's the passion, and that's the ministry God's put on my heart. There's all kinds of beat downs for the addict. There's all kinds of help for the addict. There's all kinds of group for the addict addicts. There's all kinds of stuff for the addict. What about the support for the people that are entangled with them? There's not a whole bunch. There's nothing. And that's why God put it on my heart is to help folks, especially those that are married, especially those that are following Christ, because it's very complex. That's the passion. It's to help those people. Now, it can help anybody partnered with an addict. Don't just think, well, I'm not married. That don't matter. I'm just saying that's what's on my heart is to help married people that are followers of Christ, that maybe have children, that are entangled in some sort of addict. And those why those things, because the it's very complex when you're a Christian. It's very complex trying to figure out this and navigate this whole relationship because you want to honor God. God's in the picture, and it's just a mess because you're like, where are you? What are you doing? Why aren't you answering prayer? So it makes it even more complex. And it really actually makes your codependency worse, to be honest with you. I lived it 13 years I lived it. And my codependency didn't really come out, so to say. I didn't even know I had it, but it didn't really come out until the addiction, and until I was a pastor in a church, and until I was trying to keep this secret from everybody else and add that on top of all the other stressors. But anyway, so many people are affected by this. That's why the passion is there. Spouses are the most impacted person when entangled with an addict. And that's pretty self-explanatory. But among family members, spouses and partners carry the heaviest psychological burdens of the whole addiction. I mean, there's mothers and fathers with children, and yes, that's hard. And there's family members, a brother or sister, yes, that's hard. But when you're a spouse that you've put your entire life into somebody and love them, and then the addiction happens after you're married, man, that's very complex. And studies show that partners of those with an alcohol disorder or drug use have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and

The Scale Of Addiction’s Impact

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the trauma symptoms are more profound in those situations. It's it's very hard. Codependency is a word that's thrown around in recovery, it's the norm, but it's not the expectation. We don't have to live with codependency. It's not like you're a re I'm a recovering codependent. That's not my identity. I'm a transformed person with the blood of Christ that has set me free. That old man's dead. He's gone, he's died. So we don't have to have that as a label. And we don't have to get medicine for it. We don't have to do things to complicate the codependency. But 80 to 90 percent of family members living with an addict have codependency traits. 80 to 90 percent. That's statistics. I'm not making that up. This statement you may not like, but the church makes it worse. Unintentionally. The church makes it worse unintentionally. So there's a study that found that 65% of professing Christians, lower than 5% of the churches they went to had some sort of support for codependency. Less than 5%. That's amazing. And I've been part of Celebrate Recovery a long time. I was a director of Celebrate Recovery, and a lot of churches have let's help the addict. Let's get them to stop the behavior. So while they want to help people with issues, I get it. But what about the people that have the issues that are dealing with the addict? It's sad. It's really sad. Again, that's the passion here. I hope this thing just blows up with your help of people that are just looking for some sort of guidance. Because the church makes it worse unintentionally. You know what's embarrassing? It's my kids would see me preach at a church about how great Jesus was and how much love God had. And they'd watch me come home and fight with their mother because she took medicine again. And then they'd watch me take stuff out on them because I didn't know how to handle my emotions with what I was going through. So my anger would slide out and go on to them. And I'd belittle them. Can you imagine why my kids now don't have a great relationship with God? Even though they see me transform, man, that hurts. It really hurts. They just don't trust God because of what I've done. And they're their own people, they're adults. I get it. They're responsible for themselves now. But man, that hurts. And if you're entangled in this right now and you have kids that are you know seven, eight, nine, they're sucking all of this up. And they're never gonna forget it. They're never gonna forget it. I'm telling you right now. That's why the community's there. That's why I am doing this. That's why the podcast is here. The moment I was in counseling and found out that I had codependency, of course I was mad and I was in denial. I immediately went home. Got on a computer and it just floored me. Oh my gosh, I am like this. And I tagged

Why The Church Often Misses Spouses

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it back to every single relationship I had. The emotional needs as a pastor, I felt important and validated. The emotional needs I had when I ran my company, I was the president, I was powerful, I made money, I was important. All the relationships I had with friends, I just always needed to feel important and validated because I felt like a piece of shit. It's amazing. It was eye-opening. So what I lost by not knowing this, and what you're losing by not knowing this, it's not only losing time, healthy life versus unhealthy life is so freeing and so much more enjoyable. We weren't meant to go through life hating it. Sure, we go through sufferings. But just hating everything about life because you feel in this prison, it's not what God wants. That's not what he wants at all. He wants you set free. He doesn't want that to be your mark. And it's one of the things that we have to learn to get rid of. In fact, his mission is for us to live like children flooded with his light. That brings me to my verse today. It's in Ephesians, it's chapter five, it's actually verse eight. It says, Once

How Codependency Hurt My Kids

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you your life was full of sin's darkness, but now you have the very light of the Lord shining through you because of your union with him. Your mission is to live as children flooded with his revelation light, and the supernatural fruits of his light will be seen in you. What are those? Goodness, righteousness, truth, and then you'll learn to choose what is beautiful to our Lord. You can look at those few verses and it can scream I have to follow a bunch of rules, or you can look at those verses in a loving way and realize that your union's not with codependency. Your union is with Christ, in him, what he's done. And the whole mission that God wants, the whole mission that God wants right there. He says, Your mission is to live as children flooded with his revelation light, and the supernatural fruits of his light will be seen in you. Man, do you picture this as rules and regulations and a checkoff list and all these things that you have to do to gain some kind of value, you're still in that codependent view. I looked at God that way. But he freed me from that. He's a good father. And as I watch my children, my young child play and run and just have a carefree attitude and just doesn't have anything to worry about. And he's full of love and laughter and light, and he's not mean, and he's not on this, I've got to check this box off and this box off and this box off. No, he just lives every day, flooding us with his love, his light, and who he is as an eight-year-old boy. That's the mission God wants. You see, he says that once your life was full of sins, darkness, well, what does that actually mean? And once your life was this old Adam, the guy who sinned, the guy who fell apart, the guy who tried to become something he already was, he messed that up, and that's what we were. We were born into that. But then when Jesus came and changed all that when he died upon that cross, that is our new life. That is the union we have, that is the reconciliation. We're back to the way we were, and we can choose to live in that new creation, or we can choose to live in the old creation still. Well, I was living in the old creation and not transformed, but now I allowed God to transform me. I live in this new creation, I live in the new identity I'm supposed to be in, which is union with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They're entangled in every part of my life, and I move forward like a child of God that is just full of his light and his glory. And there's no strings attached. And I don't wake up to try not to be the old self.

Finding The Pattern In My Life

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I wake up free and codependency can be shed. I'm telling you, it could be shed. But the important thing of this Ephesians message is that that's the mission. The mission is for us to move forward as children with love and light, bringing heaven to everybody here on earth. And when you're living in a codependent world, what is your fruit? Because it isn't love and light. Your fruit is trying to fix the other person. Your fruit is anger towards your family or kids or friends because you're frustrated that things are getting fixed and you've tried everything and you're trying to figure out something new how to get this fixed. You're a wreck because your value is in another human being that is a wreck. You're drinking from a dry cup, and we have to break that cycle. So that's why I really like Ephesians. Especially Ephesians 5. It's a great book on how we're supposed to really understand some of this union that we have with Jesus, what he's done on the cross. And I'm going to close on this. I have three questions for you to ponder in the next few days, maybe a week. I don't know. Just ponder on these. But question number one In the last 24 hours, how many decisions were based on what your spouse might do or feel rather than what you actually wanted? Question two. When did you last do something purely for yourself? Not for the marriage, not for the recovery, not for the addiction, and not for the family. When did you do something for yourself? And number three, if you removed your role as a caretaker, fixer, or rescuer, who are you? Who do you identify as? Is that your identity right now? Just let those questions sit with you. This is where the work begins. This is where maybe eye-opening changes can be made. Those three simple questions tell a lot about who you are. You're not a codependent. That's not who you are. You may be stuck in that role for a little bit, but that's not who you are. And I'm telling you, you can break free from that. And I'm telling you, God is so good. He loves to transform. That's the business he's in. It's not your job to be the caretaker. It's not

Ephesians 5 And A New Union

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your job to be the fixer. It's not your job to be the one to fix their recovery. Your job is to work on you. Your job is to run around like little children in the revelation light that Jesus has put upon you and in you. When have you done something to pick it like a child? When have you laughed like a child? When have you been so free to pick it like a child? You are not identified by codependency. You're not. So again, if you would download the Navigating Love, which has the codependency evaluation, or jump. Jump into the free area of the community. Everything's in the show notes. Jump into the free area of the community and just jump straight to the course that says codependency. It's a great course about codependency, and there's a great test in there as well. You can get both evaluations in the paper form, or if you jump into community, they're different, but have the same outcome. And I just would like to mention if you would, would you please like and subscribe if you're watching on YouTube? And would you maybe comment? And it just helps me out with the algorithms and stuff like that. And if you're listening to this on any podcast platform, will you follow and share the podcast? I would greatly appreciate it. Lastly, the ten untold truths. You can get that download. It's in the show notes as well. We talk about all those ten truths on these last episodes. So go back and listen to some of the episodes. We're just about done. We're gonna wrap up, I believe, the last one in the next episode. But they're great to get a hold of and and just study and let it soak in. So thank you so much for joining me today. I am super honored that I get to be a voice to try to help others. I'm super honored that God allows me to do this and gives me the courage and the words and the excitement to want to have a passion to help other people. Because, again, I'll say it again because it's so important. You're not identified by codependency. Because you are loved, you are holy. Remember that. And I'll see you in the next episode.

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God bless.