Stop Your Waiting Room Living

You can love an addict and still lose yourself. When your days revolve around their mood, their relapse risk, their promises, and their “progress,” life shrinks into a waiting room where joy is postponed and peace feels impossible. We’re done calling that devotion. Today we’re naming the cost of waiting and the quiet way it turns you into a fixer, a monitor, and a manager of chaos instead of a whole person with needs, dreams, and a future.

We dig into a powerful biblical framework from Ezekiel 36:26 and the difference between a heart of stone and a heart of flesh. After enough disappointment, your heart doesn’t turn cold, it turns heavy. We talk about why chosen suffering can become a prison with an open door, how codependency keeps you tethered to the addiction cycle, and why you cannot make someone else choose recovery no matter how perfectly you love, pray, or manage.

Then we get practical. I share three steps you can take today to start stepping out of the waiting room: reclaim one thing that was yours, separate their progress from your peace, and let God work on you instead of obsessing over fixing them. You’ll also hear reflective questions that cut through the noise: when was the last time you asked what you need, and what you really want?

If you’re looking for Christian encouragement, healing from codependency, and real-world support for spouses affected by addiction, press play. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more partners can find a place to breathe and begin again.

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Transcript

You Are Not Meant To Wait

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You have been living in a waiting room. You're waiting for them to get better. You're waiting for life to go back to normal. You're waiting to feel again. And can I tell you something? The waiting room is not your life. And it never was supposed to be. Today we're talking about something that nobody in this world has ever given you permission to do. And that is for you to start living today. Right now, today. We're going to be talking about that. Step on the inside. Welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing hope, healing, and support for married individuals whose spouses are battling addiction. Rooted in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and biblical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction within your marriage. Here we'll find encouragement and embrace God's plan for restoration in your life. Let's walk this journey together, one step at a time.

Intro And Free Resource Invite

SPEAKER_00 1:07

As always, if you're a first-time listener, welcome aboard. We are so glad that you're here too. Hey, today's episode is called Stop Waiting for Them to Get Better Before You Start Living. Yes, you're living in a waiting room, and you've got to stop living in that area. And we're going to talk about that today. But before we get started, if you would, would you like, subscribe, comment on all the platforms, all the podcast platforms. If you're watching this on YouTube, would you follow me? Would you subscribe? And maybe comment on some of the episodes as well. It does help me out. And this is a good time to invite you to check on the links in the show notes. Download one of those free guides I have, the 10 Unspoken Truths, that I wish somebody would have told me when I was married to my ex-wife, who was an addict. And Navigating Love, which is a codependency guide, great guide. Uh, don't just say that because I put it together, it's just everything that I've learned, everything I know about codependency has got a valuation in there, and it's for you. Not to mention, when you download those, you join our emailing list. That way you can hear from me via email once in a while. I don't spam you, but you can hear from me every once in a while. But anyway, if you would do all that. So today's episode, Stop Waiting for Them to Get Better Before You Start Living. You are living in a waiting room. Let's jump right in.

How The Waiting Room Steals You

SPEAKER_00 2:35

So you put your dreams on hold. You put everything on hold. You put your joy on hold, you put your healing on hold, you put things that you used to do on hold. You put everything on hold because of this addict. Why? Why are you doing that? Well, one thing is you made their recovery and they're getting better your main focus. You've turned it into that's what you live for every day. We're gonna get this person into recovery, we're gonna get this person fixed, we're gonna get this done so we can get back to some kind of normal life. You've made their recovery your own happiness. So however they're doing, that's as good as you're doing. How bad they're doing, that's how bad your day is. You put everything of your value into that addiction, and you're only as good as that addict is that day. I've been there, I lived it. Why? Because you love somebody, you do love them. Or maybe you're at the phase now that you've been doing this for years that you think you love them, but you really don't, you just love the addiction, and you're just stuck in this waiting room. You've got to stop waiting, you've got to stop waiting for yourself to get healed, you gotta stop waiting for yourself to feel, you gotta stop waiting for yourself to start living. That is so important. And while you're waiting for all this stuff to happen, and while you're waiting and putting all your stuff on hold, this is what it's actually costing you. You're disappearing, you're slowly and quietly disappearing, and you don't even know what's happening. You stopped being a person and started becoming a fixer, a monitor, a manager of chaos, and that's not where you need to be. That's not who God designed you to be. And if you're in a church setting, if you go to church, you're a follower of Christ, you're trying to do this thing right, it's even more confusing, it is more turmoil on you because you are trying to wait to see if God's doing something too. And that hurts when there is no movement. We have that totally wrong. We have the idea in the church that suffering's a good thing, that if you endure suffering long enough or you do the right things while you're doing that suffering, God is gonna remove it. Sometimes that's true, but very little is that true. There's another kind of suffering that you're going through, the kind you're choosing to stay in, because you don't believe you deserve to come out of that suffering until all the conditions are met. So you're gonna stay in that suffering because you believe that once you fix this addict and all that gets back to normal, that's when you can come out of the suffering. When all those conditions are met, that you do the right thing, that you love hard enough, that you pray hard enough, that you do all this stuff to get the addict back on track and out of addiction and back to a normal life, that's when the suffering's gonna stop. That's not faith, my friends. That's a prison with an open door. That's all

A Prison With An Open Door

SPEAKER_00 6:10

that is.

Ezekiel And The Heart Of Stone

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Can I take you to the Bible for a little bit? I'd like to go to a book that we don't normally go to a lot, but I want to tell you this story. I want to read this verse because I think it's very impactful, and I think it can really give you some clarity today. It's in the book called Ezekiel, and I'm gonna be in Ezekiel 36, verse 26, and it simply says this I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Okay, the first part of that's pretty understandable. So God's gonna give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. That's awesome. And then he says, I'll remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Okay, that could be a little confusing if we don't understand the story. So I'll give you a little bit of backstory. Ezekiel, great priest, he had everything. He had a temple, he was a priest, he was a leader, taken into Babylonian captivity. He was stripped of everything that he had: his homeland, his priesthood, his temple, his identity, everything was taken away. And he felt like God lied to him. He felt like everything just fell apart. God was lying to him. His identity as God's chosen people fell apart. He thought it was a lie because everything was just stripped away, and now life seems to be empty and chaos. Kind of sounds like somebody married to an addict. What's going on here? The Israelites were not just in captivity, they were in spiritual bankruptcy. They fell apart spiritually. They were chasing other gods, they were doing all these different things, and I'm not gonna go into a Bible study here. I just want to get the I want to nail the important things here. What's important is that everything was stripped. They were bankrupt, they didn't believe in God, they thought it was a lie. Those are the key things I really want you to take away from this in the story of Ezekiel. We feel that way when we're partnered with an addict. Everything's robbed from us, we put everything on hold, and we're just trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. It's chaos. God spoke to Ezekiel, told him he's gonna be a prophet, and spoke these words. I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit within you. That's encouraging, and God's saying that to you too. He's saying that to you right now. Turn to him. You're so focused on the addict, you're not focused on you and your relationship with the father. You want the father to fix the addict, and you've probably been praying and praying and praying and praying for the father to fix the addict. But are you praying for the father to fix and heal you? Because that's a big chunk that you're missing. He goes on to say, I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. What does that actually mean? When we're talking about where we are in this addiction, this is why I chose this verse. You have a heart of stone. That doesn't mean you're cold, it doesn't mean that you're rude, it doesn't mean that you're careless. Here's what it means Picture a stone. What is a stone? It just has no life. It's just laying there heavy, it has no life, and it doesn't happen overnight. Your heart generally wants to do the right thing in the beginning of this addiction, it wants to help, it wants to nurture, it wants to make a pathway of healing for this addict. But over time, after failure after failure, after relapse, after relapse, after failure, after lie, after fight, your heart just becomes a stone. It's lifeless. There's no life in it. And you're living the same day over and over and over. God says he's gonna remove that heart of stone, and he's gonna give you one of flesh. What does that mean? A wor a worldly fleshly heart? No, it means life. He's going to give you a living one. He's gonna give you one that is renewed and pumps with the blood of love and light. He doesn't want you in this situation. He doesn't want your partner in this situation. And he wants you to both it would be great once you'd both come to him

Choose Today To Step Out

SPEAKER_00 11:14

and let him work on both of you out of this. But in most cases one has the power to choose, and it's usually you because they're not gonna choose that. They're gonna choose to stay stuck. You have the choice to change today. You have a choice to walk out of that waiting room. You don't have to wait for your happiness for them to get better. You don't have to wait for your peace and joy for them to get better. You don't have to wait for any of that, and you can live a new life today with a heart of flesh. Don't continue to sit in a waiting room. Now, that sounds like I'm saying get up and leave, and I'm not. I it's hard. Every situation is different, but as soon as you can gain clarity, you'll know what to do. And I only say that it from experience because when I was partnered with my addict, for 13 years I went through this hell. One, I didn't know I had codependency, and that's what kept me in it. But once I started to gain clarity and I started to understand codependency through the help of a Christian counselor, once I started to gain clarity and start to get on a path of healing, that's when life changed. I got out of the waiting room. And for me, I gained clarity, I stepped back from the relationship, I wanted to disconnect from keeping myself plugged into the attic every day, 24-7, wrapped up in that. I backed away from that and gained clarity. And you've heard my story throughout bits and pieces, throughout different episodes. But when I woke up, this is me. This doesn't mean it's you. This doesn't mean yours is going to go this way, so I don't want to scare you. And this may encourage you. I don't know. But when I gained clarity and woke up, I wasn't in love with my ex-wife. I wasn't in love with her. And I probably wasn't in love with her for a very long time. In one of the episodes, you heard me say it. I walked up to her, looked her in the eyes, and I said, I love you, but I'm just not in love with you anymore. I was in love with your addiction, and I'm breaking

Three Actions To Reclaim Life

SPEAKER_00 13:46

up with that today. And that's what I did. And then my focus became on repairing the relationship with my children, repairing the relationship of what I've done to my kids, my part, my own responsibility of what I did. I'm not going to blame my ex-wife. She had her responsibility, she had her part, but I know that I damaged my kids too. So my goal was to help those kids try to repair the relationship, try to get them healing, and move on from there. So we did not stay together. We ended up getting a divorce, ended up getting a kid, and we just went on with life. Now I say that because I did get a new heart. I did get a heart of flesh. God gave me a new life, a new spirit. Once I started to trust him again, because if you know, I walked away from the pulpit. I didn't trust God. I walked away from him. I said he wasn't real, and I just said I'm going to do this all on my own. And I went downhill and went to hell for two years. It was just horrible. But the important part of this whole story is I got out of the waiting room. I didn't want to wait anymore. I wanted to feel happy again. I wanted to feel joy again. I wanted to feel like there was life outside of being entangled with an addict. Oh my gosh, it was so freeing. It is so freeing. Not to wake up every day, are they taking medicine? Did they take medicine? Did they do this? Did they do that? They're lying to me. Where can I find this medicine? I'm going to prove them I can get this medicine. I'm going to prove it that they're there, that they're a liar. Again, once again, I'll be win. And if I win so many times and they lose so many times, then she's going to get recovery and she's going to get fixed. I unplugged from all of that crap. You've got to get out of the waiting room. You've got to get clarity for yourself. You got to transform and heal for yourself and then move forward however God's pushing you to move forward. That's what I can tell you. I'd like to transition into three things that you can do right now, that you can do today. Three things that you can do today to start getting out of the waiting room and maybe start to gain some clarity. Number one, reclaim one thing that was yours. Reclaim it, take it back. A hobby, a friendship, a dream, a cup of coffee in the Bible in the morning. Whatever it is, find it and take it back. Not after they get better, not after you check on them to see if they're taking medicine or whatever unhealthy habit they're doing. Not after any of that. Now, reclaim it now. Do it today, this week. Reclaim it for yourself. And number two, you have to separate their progress from your peace. You have to do that. You have to lay that down. Their bad day does not have to be your bad day. Their hardship doesn't have to be your hardship. Their setback doesn't have to be your setback. You are allowed to have peace through the storm. You are allowed to have peace through all of this. In fact, that might be the strongest thing that your kids can see right now is if you have peace through all of this. Because when you are so involved with the addict, they are the ones that dictate how you're going to be. That's not the way it needs to be. That's not the way for you to get out of the waiting room. You have to separate their progress from your peace and how you're going to live today. Number three, let God work on you. How about you focus on you and your relationship with God? Stop praying for them to be fixed. I know that sounds harsh, but stop it. Start praying for you to get healing. Start praying for you to get in back in touch with the Father. Start understanding who he is so you can get all the religious crap out of the way and understand that he is full of love, he's full of light, and he just wants to fill you with it and transform you. Pray for your healing so you can be there for your kids. Pray for your healing so you can be there for clarity. Pray for your healing so you can be the strong one and gain back your life. He started a good work in you. He wants to finish that good work in you. Start that today.

What Do You Need Right Now

SPEAKER_00 18:37

As we wrap this up today, I want to ask you something and really have it sit with you right now at this moment. Whether you're sitting in a car, whether you're taking a jog, taking a walk, watching this on YouTube, right now I want this to sit with you. When is the last time that you thought about what you need? When's the last time you thought about that? Not what the kids need, not what the family needs, and definitely not what the addict needs. When have you thought about what you needed? What do you want? You need to answer that. What do you really want? And if that question made you uncomfortable, then that's your answer. That is how far you've drifted from yourself. But there is hope in that. Because drifting means you can find your way back. Drifting means that you can get back to where you needed to be. You're not gone. You're not too far away. You have not missed your life. There's a ton of it left. God is not waiting for your house to be in order, for your heart to be right. Listen to that. God is not waiting for you to make sure that your kids are healthy, that your partner is totally healthy and free of whatever unhealthy habit before he moves. No, God is not waiting for your house to be in order for him to move in your heart. And I'm sure somebody out there right now listening to this, watching this, God is saying to you right now, like he said to Ezekiel, I promise I will give you a new heart. I promise I will give you a new spirit. I know it. Not someday, but now. Stop waiting for them to get better before you start living. Your life is not in their hands. It never was. It's in his. And they have to make the choice for themselves on what they want to do. You've tried everything. I tried everything. You're not going to come up with a new idea. You're not going to come up with a new sentence. You're not going to come up with a new tear crying poem. You're not going to come up with anything that is going to change the addict. They're going to have to do it on their own. You're wasting your time. Quit waiting. Step out of the waiting room. And if you've never ever even thought about God or having a relationship, I can understand that. And just stop right there for a moment. Even if God's not in the picture for you at this moment, you still have to find clarity for yourself. You still have to find healing for yourself. You still have to disengage from the addict. You have to get out of the waiting room, too. But I'll tell you with a life full of Jesus and his love, it is so much better. And it's so much easier to transform. And there's so much meaning behind. Behind it. So much more meaning behind it. And so much more peace. If you ever have any questions about

Support Options And Closing Blessing

SPEAKER_00 22:07

any of this, you know you can go to the website and book a call with me. A free call. No sales pitch, no nothing, nothing but a human being that loves to see people set free and talk to another human being that is running through the pits of hell. I'm here for you. This is my passion. This is my life. This is what I do. So you can go to the website, book a call, and I'll guide you through this as best I can. And I'm just there for you for support. I want to thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope that it resonated with you. And if you would, share it with somebody that may need to hear this. There are so many of us that are affected by somebody that has an addiction. There's so many places for the addict. There's very few places for the people affected by the addict. And I hope that Walkright Community is a place that becomes the landing spot for a lot of people. Walkright Community is a place designed to help people heal. It goes through everything that I went through to find healing. All the courses, all the lessons, all the life worksheets that you just dig into yourself to get closer to God, to let God repair you, to let God transform you, to let Him give you that new spirit, that new life. If that sounds interesting to you, go to partnersofatics.com. Partnersofatics.com, you can read all about the community and how to get there. I pray that you find healing, clarity, hope, and transformation in whichever thing you choose to walk forward in. It doesn't have to be our community, but I'm here for you, and I really hope that you can get out of the waiting room. That's all for today, my friends. Remember this, this is the most important. Remember it. You are loved, you're super holy, and I will see you in the next episode. God bless you.