Learning To Receive

The fastest way to spot survival mode isn’t always panic or anger. Sometimes it’s a reflexive “I’m fine” when someone offers real kindness. If you’re married to an addict, you’ve probably become the strong one, the fixer, the dependable giver. That role can look like love on the outside, but inside it often feels like control: as long as I’m the one pouring out, nobody can take anything from me because I never ask for anything in the first place.

We unpack why receiving feels so risky for codependent caregivers and spouses of addicts, and how that resistance is usually rooted in a wound, not a personality trait. We talk about the stories that trained us to minimize our needs: unpredictable parenting, love with a price tag, narcissistic dynamics, or a family culture where “strong” meant silent. When receiving feels dangerous, we stay half-hidden, and that keeps us from being fully known and fully loved in marriage, friendships, and faith.

Then we shift into healing practices you can actually use. I share three simple steps to rebuild the skill of receiving: saying “thank you” without deflecting, letting someone help without apologizing or overexplaining, and grounding your identity in Christ through 1 John 4:19. We also sit with the prodigal son story as a picture of a Father who runs toward you before you can earn anything back.

If this hits home, subscribe so you don’t miss the next part of the series, share this with someone who always says “it’s not a big deal,” and leave a review so more spouses and families affected by addiction can find support. What’s one thing you’re ready to receive this week?

👇 YOUR NEXT STEP IS RIGHT HERE

🙏 Free Community — You don't have to walk this alone 👉 https://partnersofaddicts.com

📖 FREE GUIDES — Choose What Speaks to You:

💛 Navigating Love — Codependency & where you lost yourself 👉 https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/guide

💛 10 Truths Unspoken — What nobody told you about loving an addict 👉 https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/download

💛 Your Kids Are Watching — A guide for the sober parent 👉 https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/kids-guide

📚 READY TO GO DEEPER?

🔥 Weekend Course — You Are Not Lost 👉 https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/weekend-course

🔥 Short Course — Why You Are Stuck 👉 https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/stuck-course 

Transcript

Why Kindness Feels Hard

SPEAKER_00 0:00

When somebody does something kind for you, I mean generally kind, no strings attached whatsoever, what's your first instinct? Because when you're in survival mode, you tend to minimize it. You deflect it really well. You do this. Oh I'm fine. Oh you didn't have to do that. No, really, it's not a big deal. I'm okay. It's not a personality quirk that we have. It's called a wound. A big wound. And not only when people are nice to you do you fleck it and minimize it. It's how you receive from God too. You do the same thing. In episode three here in the series Pretending is over. We're gonna go somewhere important today. Why don't you come on inside? I'll see you there. Welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing healing and support for married individuals whose spouses are battle and addiction. Putting in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and typical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction. Let's walk this journey together.

Series Setup And Share Request

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Hello and welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity Podcast. I'm Steve, your host, and I am super excited that you're here today. Hey, we are in a five-part series called Pretending is Over. And we're on episode number three today, which is learning to receive what you've only ever given. And we are in an important uh podcast today, learning a lot about why you're such a giver and why it's so hard to receive. But if you haven't listened to the first two episodes of this series, go back and listen to them because they are the foundation that carries the whole series. But I am glad that you're here. And if you would, as always, would you please like, subscribe, comment, share, do all those things to get this out to the people and help grow this movement. I am super excited at all the support I'm getting. All the people that are reaching out. And if you remember, for every addict, there's two to seven people that are directly related to that addict that need help, that most likely have codependency. And that is what we're here for. So again, thank you so much. And just share it with somebody. Almost everybody that you know, one of those people are directly related to some kind of person that has an unhealthy habit or addiction. So there's a lot of us out there. But anyway, let's dive in here to episode number three, learning to receive what you've only ever given.

The Giver Role Feels Safe

SPEAKER_00 2:42

So I want to tell you something first about the kind of person that ends up in a relationship with an addict. What kind of person is that? Well, most of the time, it's almost always a giver. Yes, almost always a giver. We give our time, we give our energy, we give our patience, we give our peace of mind, we give our plans up, we give our dreams up, we give and give and give until there's nothing left. And for some reason in survival mode, we tend to dig deep and end up giving a little bit more. And the world calls it sacrifice and the world calls it love and the world calls it support, but I'm here to tell you the truth. Sometimes what looks like love on the outside is just dressed up in nice clothing. Here's what I mean. For a lot of people that are with an addict, giving feels safe because when you give, you're in control. You feel like you're in control. You're the one with something to offer. You are needed, you have a role, you are providing. And as long as you're giving, as long as you're doing all this, nobody can take anything from you. Nobody can take that from you. Because you never asked for anything in the first place. You're always giving. You're hiding behind the mask, like we talked about in the last episode. You are giving because that's where you find your validation. That's where you find you are needed. That's what your role is. You can call it sacrifice, you can call it commitment, you can call it love, but it's not. It's just codependency dressed nice. So, what about receiving?

Receiving Requires Trust

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Receiving requires something that giving never does. Receiving requires you to trust. It requires for you to believe in the person giving it to you. What strings are attached? How are they going to use it against me later? How are they going to take it back? And for the people who learned early in life, they learned that love comes with conditions. And for people like us in survival mode and in this codependency, receiving feels like the most dangerous thing in the entire world. I was a professional giver. I was a professional fixer. I was going to fix my ex-wife's addiction. But I was a giver because I gave and gave and gave in my marriage. I gave in the ministry. I gave in the church. I gave up to everybody. I gave to my kids, my church, my friends, strangers I barely knew. I gave and gave and gave because I felt it was important. I felt that I was needed. I felt that I could be the savior in all those roles. But every time somebody tried to give me something, I turned away. I deflected. I minimalized it. I told myself I was being humble, but I wasn't. I was really protecting myself. Because receiving meant being seen, and being seen meant being vulnerable, and being vulnerable meant being hurt, and getting hurt was something I was used to, and I learned to avoid it at all cost.

How Deflecting Gets Learned

SPEAKER_00 6:11

So where did this all come from? Where did we learn to deflect? Where did we learn how to minimize and deflect this stuff? So we're gonna have to go back. We're gonna have to go way back for some of us for a little bit. Because this pattern, this inability to receive, didn't just come out of nowhere. It didn't just start with the addict. It's a learned behavior. Somewhere in your story, there's a moment. There's a moment in your life, maybe more than once this happened to you, but there's a moment in your life needing something was dangerous. Maybe it was a parent whose love felt unpredictable. Cold one day, warm one day, without any kind of warning. And you learned this. You learned not to depend on that. And you didn't need much, you didn't ask for much, you just gave and stay useful, and maybe you'll be okay. Just kind of mediocre. Or maybe it was a relationship that came with a price tag where someone said, I love you, and then used it as leverage. Narcissism. Codependency and narcissism go great together. It's where care came with expectations attached to it that you didn't know about until you didn't meet them, and then bam, they hit you with it. Or maybe it's simpler than that. Maybe you just watch the adults around you, never ask for help, never show weakness, never admit they could couldn't handle it, and you learned what strong looks like. You learned that strong people don't need things. We take care of it ourselves. I can look back on a lot of parts of my childhood, a lot of moments where I learned that needing something was a liability, that showing emotion was a weakness, where asking for help meant I weren't I wasn't enough. I had to ask for help, I wasn't good enough. I learned to need nothing because needing something got me hurt. And I carried all of that into my marriage, into my faith, into every single relationship I've ever had. And here's what happens when you can't receive. When you can't receive, you can't be fully known, and if you can't be fully known, you can't be fully loved. Not the way you were designed to be loved. Real love requires two people willing to be seen. And if you're always the one giving, and you're always the one pouring out, and you're always the one being the giver, you're only ever halfway in your relationship.

The Father Who Runs Toward You

SPEAKER_00 8:53

This isn't just about your marriage, though. This is about your relationship with God too. And of course, if you follow this program, I'm gonna have to go there for a moment. You probably know this great story from Luke 15. It's the prodigal son, or the good father, depending on what Bible verse you have. The son took his inheritance early. Basically told your father, I wish you were dead already. Can I have my inheritance? I want to do things my way. He ended up broke and broken as a person, and he ended up eating with the pigs. He squandered everything, lost everything, his full inheritance gone. And he decided to go home. And those of you that aren't in the Bible too much, or aren't around a church where you've heard this story, I need you to hear this. The son had a whole speech prepared. He rehearsed it, he practiced it. He said, Father, I'm no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants. And he was going to earn his way back in. He was going to earn his way back into the father, to the love. And he was going to give something to deserve being received by the Father. But if you know the story, the father didn't wait for the speech. He saw him coming from the porch and ran out to his son. And before his son could even get a word out, his father didn't wait. His father saw him and he was filled with compassion and he ran. He ran. In the culture that this was written, the man of that age and position did not run. Running was undignified being in his position. It was beneath him. They didn't run back then with that kind of stature and wealth and prestige. But he put it beneath him. He didn't care. He ran and threw his arms around his son. He ran and kissed him. And before one word came out of the son's mouth, before that speech ever hit his lips, his father did this. This is the picture of how God loves you, how God loves me. It's a parable, but Jesus told this parable because he knew the Father. And he knew how the Father acted. The Father wasn't standing at the front door with his arms crossed, waiting for the son to prove himself. He was not attaching any conditions for him to come back into the house. He was not making him earn his way back into being his son. He ran. He was running. And this is the part of story that wrecks me the most. Every time I think about it, this is the part of the story that wrecks me. How many of us are that prodigal son? How many of us are still rehearsing our speech? How many of us are practicing what to say? How to earn our place back? How to figure out what we have to give in order to receive love. And while we're figuring all this out, the father's running. He's running right now towards us. When you have the inability to receive love and it transitions over to your faith, it's hard. Because most of us view God as our earthly parent or as our earthly father or somebody who was a figure in our childhood. I pictured God as somebody who loved me, tolerated me, was just waiting for me to mess up so he can just tell me how bad I am. That's where the devil likes to keep you. He likes to keep you in that mode. We protect ourselves. We think that we're putting up a shield and protecting ourselves when all it is is the devil just isolating us and keeping us in that prison. The Father's running. Stop practicing the speech. Stop thinking out ways that you can receive love. He's running. Just open up your arms and let him grab you. Again, if you haven't read that story, it's in Luke chapter fifteen. It's a great story, and it really it really could open your eyes to where you are in your faith right now, to where you are in your lost identity, to where you are in your relationship with this addict. There is somebody out there that is running towards you when you feel like nobody can even see you.

Three Practices To Receive

SPEAKER_00 14:04

But I need to give you something you can actually do with this. This is not just a concept, this is a practice. Receiving is a skill that you have to build in your nervous system. It's not something that you go, oh, okay, tomorrow I'm gonna start receiving. Your nervous system has been trained in the opposite direction. Your nervous system has shut down when it comes to feeling and receiving. We have to train it to go the other way so we can receive and so we can feel what people are trying to do for us or what God is trying to give us. So I'm gonna give you three simple things you can do this week. Three simple things that you can do this week to start building that back the correct way. So number one, say thank you without deflecting. Say thank you. That's it. Just those words. Thank you. When somebody compliments you, thank you. When somebody does something kind for you, thank you. Don't deflect, don't say anything, don't respond. Not oh it's nothing, or no, I'm not, or no, I'm not that way. Nothing. Just say thank you. It's gonna feel strange. I know it is, but it's gonna work. I'm telling you it's gonna work. How about this? Number two, let somebody do something for you this week. Don't do something for them. Not because they need to feel needed for you. Do it for you. Someone has probably offered you to help you some way recently. Somebody has probably offered and said, Look, I don't have any strings attached with this. I just want to help you. Let them do it. Don't apologize for it. Don't overexplain it. Just receive it. Just let them do something for you. Whether it's buy you lunch or help you with a chore or do an errand for you, whatever it is, just let them do it. And number three, every day this week, I want you to read 1 John 4.19. We love because he loved us. Simple. Write it on the post-it note. Put it in your car, put it in your calendar, put it somewhere in the fridge, in the bathroom, wherever you can see it, every single day. We love because he loved us. Love that came first, before anything you did, before anything you gave, before anything at all that came out of you, He loved first. You have to understand that. Before you prove yourself, before you clean yourself up, before you earned anything, He loved us first. You have to practice receiving that. That was hard for me. When I walked away from God and I came back, that was one of the hardest things was receiving that love, knowing that he loved me that much. Knowing that he created me before the foundations of the earth. He loves us that much. And this isn't a religious thing. This isn't crazy religious rules, and you have to do this and you have to do that, and there's behavior modification. No, just receive his love. That's enough. You've spent so long on the giving side of love it almost feels dangerous to receive. I get it. Every time you receive something in the past, it cost you something. It was connected to something. There was a string attached. So you stopped receiving. You decided it was safer just to give. But that decision is costing you. It's costing you a lot. You have to stop survival mode. You have to stop being the giver all the time. You have to learn how to receive. It's costing you to feel a real connection between you and your kids, between you and your spouse, between you and God, between you and your family. It's costing you the ability to be fully loved by somebody. Because you can only be loved as deeply as you allow yourself to be seen. And we don't like to be seen when we're in codependency. The father of that story didn't run because his son deserved it. The father of the story ran because that's who the father is. That's who God is. He's not waiting for you to deserve his love. He's not waiting for you to earn your way back. He's not waiting for you to do anything. He's not standing there staring into distance, waiting for you to get your crap together. He's running. And you have to know that today. You have to learn how to receive. The only thing is, are you gonna let him reach you? Or are you not? You're not a burden. You're not too much. You're not going to drive people away by having needs yourself. You're worth receiving love. You always were. And as I end every show, you know that I always say you're loved and you're holy. Because you are, and I can receive that, and I feel that myself. You have to stop being the giver. You're giving out of trauma. You're giving out of a wound. When you can fully receive love, that giving that you give now turns into giving out of love. What you think you're giving out of love right now is just a mask. And we talked about that in episode two. It's time to take off the mask, it's time to stop pretending, and it's time to start receiving the full worth of love that you deserve to receive. I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. Again, if you would please like, subscribe, share it. Maybe somebody really needs to hear this message of how much they truly are loved, and that they need to stop just giving, but they need to receive too.

Community Invite And Closing

SPEAKER_00 20:42

This is a great time to invite you in to the walk right community. It's a community I designed that has everything that I used to get myself through healing for 12 years. It has all the courses, the worksheets, the connections with the community of people that are walking through the same thing you are. It's just launched, it's brand new. Come inside, look around, it's free. There's a free area that you can get started on your healing. Everything that we talk about in these episodes, everything that I talk about on social media, everything is in those courses. I believe God wants to reach a bunch of people with this community. And you just might be one of them that He's just pulling at your heart today. Come in and receive. You don't have to come in and give anything. Just come in and receive. Because we'll love on you all day long, as long as you want, as long as you let us. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your day today. And remember, as always, huh? You're loved, you're holy. I'm going to see you in the next episode, part four. Pretending is over. I'll see you soon. God bless.